Wit and Wisdom From Larry King PDF 

By Jason Gay, The Wall Street Journal, 9/9

On Wednesday, CNN announced that early next year, British personality Piers
Morgan will replace Larry King in Mr. King's 9 p.m. time slot. In tribute,
here is an unworthy homage to Mr. King's late, beloved USA Today column:

Regrets? Sure. I never saw Stephen Strasburg pitch, but I did see
"G-Force," twice…Why is Rex Ryan imitating Redd Foxx?...I'm taping the
entire U.S. Open on the Betamax, so if Tracy Austin's been bounced, don't
spoil it…My favorite tennis player of all time? Pancho Gonzales. Second
favorite: Charlie Chaplin. Third: Kate Jackson.

Did New Orleans really win the Super Bowl, or was Tom Clancy yanking my
chain at Dan Tana's?...I would have given Ben Roethlisberger five games and
five minutes in an alley with Jack Ham…Tom Brady could pull off the Beatty
part in a remake of ''Shampoo''…People give Brady a hard time about the
hairdo, but friends, that's a small price to pay for waking up every
morning next to Cheryl Tiegs.

What's wrong with Tiger Woods? Who cares? My summer interns have all gone
back to college, and I have an office freezer full of Fla-Vor-Ice… Reggie
Bush will give back the Heisman as soon as Kevin Costner returns his statue
for "Dances with Wolves"…Like I have time to follow a Dodger divorce…I wish
I sounded like Colin Cowherd and looked like Marat Safin… CC Sabathia
sounds like the name of a children's restaurant…I always thought Kelsey
Grammer would make a great Batman…Make sure Darrelle Revis stays away from
Len Dykstra…Tell Jim Gray to simmer down.

Brent Musburger has the energy of a 21-year-old and the cologne of a
shipping magnate… If you see Lyle Lovett, have him phone me…LeBron doesn't
need to "take his talents" to South Beach. The only thing you need in that
town is coconut oil and the number for Joe's Stone Crab…Is hockey still on
TV?... ''Dancing With the Stars'' is neither.…If you're stumped on a
Halloween costume, nobody ever went wrong dressing up as Phyllis George or
Zombie Lou Piniella...Airplanes are underrated.

Nothing makes me more melancholy than 30 minutes of ESPN News in a dimly
lit room… Boise State is for kids…I want to see Bobby Cox win another World
Series and Tony Danza in a tentpole summer comedy…Where did Bruce Jenner
get all those girls?...There's nothing wrong with the Knicks that Doug Moe
couldn't solve…Every year Bill Walton invites me to Burning Man, and every
year I say I have a doctor's appointment. Why?

Conan will be great on cable…Did Bobby Vinton ever do a halftime show?...I
talk for 10 minutes every morning on the phone with Joe Paterno, and then
for 10 more with Olga Korbut…Don't count out LaDainian Tomlinson, or Sharon
Stone…Tim Tebow could start tomorrow—in the William Morris mailroom.

I'm not watching the NFL on Thursday, that's my Yahtzee night…Ted Turner
makes Mark Cuban look like Dennis the Menace…A Jim Leyland biopic?
Absolutely—let's make it happen…Is South Africa ready for the World
Cup?...I miss The Boss, he was one in a billion…Now I understand how Jordan
felt about Kukoc...Someone tell the Vikings that this old dog can still
play a few quarters, too.

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